RED ZONE: Toxic and narcissistic relationship
How can this happen at all?
1. What conditions a child to grow to a narcissistic adult?
2. What personality falls for a narcissist?
3. How the narcissistic couple relationship evolves?
1. What conditions lead a child to grow into a narcissistic adult?
It is observed that it prevails two main parenting patterns that may lead to this development. First, when one or both of the parents behave unpredictable and do not reflect expected emotions of a child, especially at a very early age. A definite risk factor is postpartum depression or emotional rejection due to other reasons (non-preferred gender of a child). For example if parents do not reflect happiness and love when the child is happy or wants to share something joyful, or on the opposite, when a child cries after falling, injuring self or scared - the parents do not reflect comforting care and empathy. The child's emotional environment is "distorted". The child feels neglected, instead of being showered by unconditional love, care and support from environment. The only comfort becomes self-love and recognition of being an "extraordinary, but not-understood" and this way boost ego. However typically behind the boosted mask is hidden low self esteem, or poor "inner child".
Later in life parents might feel guilty for lack of love and attention for the child as a newborn, and shift to another extreme - overvaluation of the child's self-worth, by praise, attention, overwhelming compliments and services. This "exceptional love" could be a compensatory, especially from the mother, if she felt guilty for being depressed after giving birth. Overvaluation may promote development of grandiose ideas about self. Up to 10% women face postpartum depression, therefore every 10th child might have been exposed to risk factors in the early childhood.
Here is just an overview of the more common conditions leading to development of narcissism, and there is definitely much more to say.
2. What personality falls for or is attracted to a narcissist?
More typically it is a person who did not have secure and loving relationship with a parent of opposite gender in the childhood. The love from that parent was conditional, unpredictable, parent could have been a tyron, using control, threats, maybe manipulations or punishments.
Importantly such a parent usually have poor self esteem and self-value and this parenting style just demonsrtate their incapability to be an "adult" for the child. On the other hand, the child most probably have a much stronger personality, which the "tyron aims to control" .
A child, who commonly cannot escape these conditions, and is forced to live in such an environment, creates a dream or imagination of how a perfect parent or a future partner of respective gender could be.
Later in life a person, with such a childhood experience, searches for a partner with totally "opposite" qualities than the respective parent.
Ask a question - who can play a perfect play and match the dream of someone with a poor childhood experiences - at least at the beginning of the relationship - it is a narcissist!
That's why a personality miss-treated in the childhood so easily falls for a charming narcissist.
Off course the idyllic theater lasts as long as the narcissist need to make sure that you "belong" to him/her.
As soon as the relationship is established, the "theater play" is over and you will never again experience the initial scene.
That was just a play.
And the narcissist of course is tired and has no longer reason to "perform".
Than the toxicity starts, and shifting between tyron and victim.
3. How the narcissistic couple relationship evolves?
1. "Narcissist needs to get your heart" - a perfect partner
A perfect play of a partner who is keen to know everything about you, who has a comforting word and a perfect answer to all your questions, who understands you just by being together, and is ready to fulfil all your needs and dreams.
All these are the typical needs and expectations from the childhood/"inner child" of a person whose potentials were not supported and disclosed from parents. A life longing and craving for a partner with all these qualities make you feel heavenly in love with "a perfect match"
Sorry to tell a perfect "victim" in a narcissist trap, which you will not realise until later.
2. Tyron stage - the person "changes" totally and you no longer recognise your partner. You may feel that you are out of control in the relationship, you are loosing yourself, and the previous "total" love and understanding turn into use, exploitation, manipulation and "gaslighting" - that you are presented and reminded about the things you never said or did, as "true".
If that does not work or if you have too strong arguments the person may jump down to a next stage
3. Victim stage - typically is a play where the person blames you for their problem or a situation, that because of you they face this and that aiming to make you feel guilty and pity and shift your mind on their side, loose yourself and take care of the power offer.
4. Co-dependancy stage - you might need to learn to control you narcissistic partner - if you cannot discontinue the relationship totally (because of common children or other reasons). Recommendation could be to develop inner strength and clear logic mind which will allow you to keeps the situation in control:
4.1. - don't get frustrated when you meet the tyron, who usually will try to provoke you, and punish for your reaction.
4.2. - don't get pity in the victim phase - this will put you energetically bellow the person and soon you will see the tyron again.
A golden rule:
- Narcissists never leave a relationship. They are typically left by partner.